CharlieV the Maniac

The Katalina Blog Challenge #8: Screw Yous and Other Taboos

swearing in cartoon

Image via Wikipedia

I swear… a lot! Too fucking much actually. This is in all aspects of my of my life, from conversation to writing, so my feelings about the word in general are exactly how I feel about it in writing.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am completely okay with swearing. In fact I completely endorse swearing. Sometimes saying “fuck” is better than me beating the shit out of something – human or not. I’m not a violent person, in fact I am a complete pacifist. The reason for this is my screwed up mind. Everything is going on in my head. I am imagining that I am beating you to a fucking pulp with a wooden club or blasting you away with a shotgun, while merely letting loose a mere “fuck” or “asshole” in real life. Hence my endorsement mentioned above. I used to, or still have, a t-shirt that was black with one image on it – an outline of a hand in white, pulling the middle finger. I’d walk around all day and if someone pissed me off or needed a good “fuck you”, I merely pointed. Very useful… until it stretched from wearing it too much. I don’t swear at inappropriate moments though and I can easily bury it in these situations. There are some places, however, or situations where I am used to swearing – my swearing comfort zones. Introduce a foreign element into these zones and I just can’t get it right though, I will still swear, but then feel kinda bad for doing it.

The thing I like about swear words is the their versatility and I think George Carlin described it best in his skit on the “Usage of the word fuck”.

Shit that is censored just pisses me off, in fact I spoke about this last year in a blog post on the topic of censorship. The world needs to grow a pair and stop worrying about stupid shit like swearing and sex and shit that doesn’t fucking matter and focus on the serious problems. I realise that I am kind of ranting and going crazy here, but this is a topic that really gets me going. We need to prioritise shit in our short life on this rock floating in space, otherwise it just becomes our children’s problem and then their children’s problem and on and on and on. Starvation, War, Murder, Rape and much more vs Swearing.  I realise that I will probably have a exodus of Facebook friends, but I really don’t give a shit. This is how I feel, so just deal with it.

I will write what the fuck I want. I will say what the fuck I want. I will live my life that way that I fucking feel like. All within reason obviously 😉


RAGE!!

Road Rage

Image courtesy of Flickr

As I get older, I feel my dark side surfacing more and more. And I’ve figured out the reason. For the last year or two, I have become very impatient on the road with bad drivers and with general stupidity. Other than that I’m pretty chilled. I don’t get upset with bad service too much, I don’t snap at my friends. As long as you’re not a stupid idiot or driving crap nearby to me, you’re pretty safe.

That said, my definition of bad driving is very broad. As is my definition of idiots. So most days, getting to work and back involves at least three sessions of severe profanity or steering wheel bashing. The problem is that I got my license as soon as I turned 18, started working in a job that involved driving for most of my 12 hour shifts (for five years or so) and did defensive driving and advanced driving courses. I’ll admit that I may not follow speed limits, and may not always indicate (normally when it is obvious where I am going or there is no-one around that needs to know where I am going), but even though I may be a very aggressive driver, I am not a bad driver.

Some things that piss me off include: driving slowly, not observing what is going on, tailgating, not knowing how to use a traffic circle. I could go on all day, but you get the idea.

Then we come to stupid people. Bill Engvall has the whole comedy routine about stupid people and how they should be given signs warning us that they’re stupid.

I couldn’t agree with him more. I don’t have time for stupidity. Even from myself. Now the problem is that I work in IT, and for some people when it comes to PCs, they suddenly lose all their brain cells. I can understand if you don’t always know what is going on with a new piece of software or it’s something that you haven’t done before. But. And it is a big BUT. If you do the same thing wrong every day, or if I’ve sent you a guide with pretty pictures explaining everything, and you still want to phone me and say you can’t get it right, you can really just go screw yourself. What gets me even more frustrated is people who think they know what they’re doing, but don’t. If I send you a “how-to” guide and you don’t read it and screw up something, you can figure it out yourself. If you don’t change your password when it’s due to expire because you don’t have time, and then it expires, I will make you wait longer just to prove a point. I thought I was alone in this regard, but after speaking to a colleague in another branch and found out he is even more hectic about some things.

It’s not only at work that I pick it up. Even on the road, stupid people translate into bad drivers. They give you bad service, they annoy you with stupid questions. The list is endless, but the principle is the same.

I guess that simply put, stupid people and bad drivers are a blight on this planet and if they didn’t exist, the world would be a much better place. Harsh? Yes, but I stand by this…

Stupid People


Are you Ready for the End?

Nuclear ExplosionA friend posted her “How to Survive the Coming Apocalypse” guide on her blog yesterday and it got me thinking of all the possible ways that the world could end and if I was really ready for that.

Of course being Zombie Boy, I have a Zombie Preparedness Plan, but how would I adapt that plan to be suitable for any situation. Let’s be honest here anything could happen, China might attack Taiwan, which would force the US to come in guns blazing. Similarly, North Korea could attack South Korea or even launch their alleged nukes. There is just so much that could go wrong these days. Just look at the recent  events in Japan to see how quickly things can change…

Most apocalyptic scenarios can be divided into two broad groups being:

1) Acts of God: This can be any type of natural disaster that was caused by circumstances out of our control. Floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, asteroids hitting earth, meteor showers and lots of similar events fall into this group. These normally occur with little or no warning. Small scale occurrences such as the earthquake & tsunami in Japan or the flooding in Australia do not count as apocalyptic acts of God. Think of the movie 2012 or the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs.

2) Man-made: Any type of event resulting from our own stupidity, greed or mistakes. Think world wars and viral outbreaks. The Zombie Apocalypse will most likely fall into this group. Generally speaking there should be warning signs allowing you more time to prepare than the previous group.

My Zombie Preparedness Plan has always been very minimalist in nature, because in the event that something does happen, you probably only have a short time to get the initial part of your plan implemented. Don’t expect me to share any details of my plan, but this guide should help with your own plan.

If I look at my plan, it has five basic stages, but to make it suitable for any scenario, I need to trim it down to four stages being: Escape, Survive, Resupply, Fortify.

Escape:

When the apocalypse comes, the most important thing that you need to do is escape. Get out of large metropolitan centres and head towards mountainous, sparsely populated areas. Make sure you have enough water and food, but water is definitely the priority. Have a couple of those 5 litre bottles on hand and ideally something like the SteriPEN as well.

A decent selection of tools and multipurpose weapons, such as an axe or self-powered power-tools, which can also be used for other purposes, are also a must.

This is not the time for you to worry about other people. Be selfish. See a beautiful lady being attacked, leave her. Families are a definite no, unless it’s your own. The only exception would be if you see someone better prepared and with more supplies than you. Most likely he will tell you to bugger off though, because you will just drag him down.

You also need to have a small, agile vehicle capable of off-road travel. Think of things like motorbikes, small SUVs and small cars with decent clearance like the VW Cross Polo or Renault Sandero. They should be able to handle themselves on any reasonably rough terrain.

If you’re not going to tackle this alone, make sure your posse is also kept up to date with the basics of your plan. Not your whole plan though, otherwise what use are you?

Survive:

After you have escaped, you will either need to find shelter, or if properly planned you should already have a idea where you will escape to. It doesn’t matter if it is your place or not, but make sure that if it’s not yours, that when you get there you won’t have to fight off a shotgun wielding owner. Look for places inhabited by elderly people or others who would not fight back once you claim it. Depending on the situation and your plan, you can take them under your wing, or throw them out to fend for themselves.

Once you have a shelter, you need to start preparing for long term survival. Plant your own food, go hunting, do everything to last as long as possible. This needs to be at least a few weeks, allowing the panic and chaos to subside a bit. In the case of a World War, this could be even longer, especially if it was nuclear warfare.

Remember no-one, besides you posse, is worth the effort. If it came down to them or you, you will draw the short straw, so screw them.

Resupply:

After a few weeks, shit should be a bit more settled, depending on the type of apocalypse. Don’t expect it to be all nice and cozy though. It’s gonna be chaos out there. At this stage you need to head out though and get more supplies and whatever you forgot. Make sure you are well armed and will be able to handle any attack.

You also need to decide during this stage if your current shelter is good enough for the long term. If not, this stage also involves looking for a proper shelter that you can use for the long term. Stock up on renewable sources of food such as vegetables, livestock, etc.

In preparation of the final stage, also look for anything that will make your shelter a bit more secure – metal sheets, pipes, wood boards, rope and wire, welding equipment and any tools you don’t have. While you are at it, look for books and magazines that will allow you to learn new skills. Don’t know how to weld? Don’t know how to tie knots? Learn.

Fortify:

Now it is time to prepare for the serious long-haul. Secure you shelter as much as possible. Lay traps, reinforce the doors and windows, do anything to make your shelter impregnable. You should be able to survive for a least a few days without leaving your shelter if attacked.

If you leave your shelter for any reason, make sure that no-one can get in there, because even if you decide to leave permanently now, things might change in the future, so always have it as an option. After all you probably put a lot of work into it.

*

Of course, this guide is nowhere near to a complete plan. You should have checklists and everything packed ready to go. If you’re not going to do it alone, you need to make sure your posse is also ready.

Just having a plan is not enough either, you need to be willing to adapt. You will most likely need to kill at least one person. You will be way out of your comfort zone. Shit will be different.

Be mentally prepared.


Koh Phangan #2: Half Moon Festival

image

I had my first and last Bucket(s) last night at an epic party called the Half Moon Festival. It’s a huge party on the mountain in the jungle here on the island.
That said sometime in the night, I lost our room key and Alex got ripped by paying 600 Baht for a scooter ride back. To put it into perspective, I paid 100 Baht for my ride back. Why did we catch separate lifts? Well I passed out and he couldn’t find me.
So that is why I said my first and last bucket…
Regardless, it was an awesome party and I hope the New Year Full Moon Party is just as awesome. And since I decided to lose the key, we spent the night sleeping on the porch of our room until the reception opened in the morning, which really made me popular.
But besides that, today we got our scooters and as only I could do, after 5 minutes or so, I crashed it when I hit some gravel while turning. No it wasn’t damaged, but I got a few cuts and scratches on my hand and leg. It’s been cool since then though and we cruised around the island a bit before coming back for a swim and to just chill a bit. While out we came across a guy selling everything from petrol to cooldrink to mushrooms.
Anyway that’s all for now, I am gonna catch a quick power-nap before doing heading out tonight


The World Is F***ed #2: Ayobaaaaargh

Recently I find myself listening to 5fm, a national radio station, and as with any commercial station, they have lots of adverts. Generally I can handle the severe lack of creativity in advertising, but when they start taking me for an idiot, it pisses me off to no end.

Even though there are plenty of candidates, such as annoying old lady trying to tell me to use some ripoff premium rate cell service, when google would get me more useful info, or the one with the lame “gamer” guy reading off a whole bunch of geeky terms, which only tend to highlight how clueless they are, but those don’t make me want to commit murder.

That honour goes to MTN‘s Ayoba campaign and their advertising team deserve a special corner in hell for it. I can’t even remember how long it has been around, but it has always just pissed me off. Not that I hated the word itself, it was a perfectly valid slang word before MTN raped it, chained it up and made it their bitch!

It started getting to me during the World Cup, when they blasted it at us from every angle, at every opportunity. I thought that would be the end of it, but no, they decided to see how much they could milk it. Now they have the two cricket ads on radio, where they have this whole shpiel between Ayobaman and Randomcricketguy. Ayobaman is asking Randomcricketguy what you call it when something happens and then proceeds to call it Ayoba, see below for examples:

  1. Ayobaman asks what you call it when a batsmen hits a ball over the boundary without bouncing in the field. According to cricket rules, this is a “six”, but Ayobaman and MTN want us to call it “Ayoba”.
  2. Next up, Ayobaman asks us why cricketers say “howzat” and then goes on to suggest that we shout “ayoba” instead.
  3. There was one a while back asking what its called when a guy gets hit in the nutsack or something and this time it was “not ayoba”

If we carry on with MTN’s plans to substitute every single cricket term with ayoba or not ayoba, I would hate to see what would happen. I could carry on moaning about the shit campaign they are running, but that would just be cruelty to myself…


The World Is F***ed #1: Censorship

600px-Cee_Lo_Green_-_Fuck_you!

Image by mUAr_cHEe via Flickr

Since when has everyone in the world become a bunch of moaning, bitching, easily offended, idiotic, spoon fed, (insert adjective of choice here) pansies?

Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention when the memo went out, but I first noticed it when when Cee Lo Green‘s awesome song, ‘Fuck You’, became ‘Forget You’ on radio. Seriously? Forget is a legitimate substitute for Fuck? Most of you probably are wondering what the hell I’m talking about. And this is my problem: Most people know the song as ‘Forget You’, but the song is called ‘FUCK You’, not ‘Forget You’. I played the proper version for a friend, kingtyrone and even he agreed the song was suddenly completely different. The only way to understand is to watch the video below and compare it with the bullshit radio-friendly version.

Then I started paying attention. You know those annoying customer care centers? You ever notice that the amount of disclaimers and legal crap that they have to read to you and that you have to agree to before they actually help you has increased. What used to take 5 minutes to do over the phone, now takes twice as long. You can’t even buy a data bundle from MTN for your 3G modem now without having to listen to 10 minutes of explanations and indemnity clauses, before you can get your bundle. A little while back it was as simple as loading a voucher and then clicking on the bundle you wanted in the MTN F@stlink software.

Even those stupid sales calls for insurance and cellphone contracts we don’t need have got them now. Soon you’ll have to sign a 20 page contract to load airtime on your phone.

We’re making it worse and honestly, I’d hate to see what this generation of children are going to be like. I was listening to a friend talking about his kids and the school they’re at. When I was a kid and I didn’t do my homework, the teacher would call me up to the front of class and I’d get my ass beaten. The other kids would go “Ooh!” and “Aah!” each time the (bat/stick/plank/any blunt wooden instrument and even a broken golf club) hit you ass. Next time you would make sure you did your homework. What happens now? The school informs the parent ,who must then deal with it. Huh? What the hell is that? Isn’t that what I pay you to do? Even as parents you are not allowed to punish your child like that anymore.

What we need is one big global bitch-slap. Everyone in the world needs to stop whatever the fuck they are doing and just bitch-slap whoever is next to them at the same time. Young, old, big, small, male, female, it doesn’t matter who you are. You just give the person next to you the hardest, baddest, guilt-free bitch-slap ever. No regrets, no retaliation, we just carry on as normal. A guy can dream…

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